Its been nearly 2 weeks since i've been back home from England. I'm not quite sure where to start with how i've been feeling and how much I've changed the way i used to be.
I woke up this morning to my mother asking me whether i was going to church and immediately my response was a no and returned to some horrid dream i continue to be having these last few days. Before i left for England back in September or even Korea back in June, i didn't even need my mother's questioning about going somewhere else on Sundays but its all dissipated. I no longer find the urge nor do i really have the drive to go to church on Sunday afternoons. I'm not confused nor am i lost about how i feel about certain things but i feel i need to not step back into my "normal" life that used to be mine when i left England.
I searched for change when I left for England back in September. I wanted to be a different person, to try different things, be adventurous, and seek new people to guide me in my journey. I definitely got what i wished for. I got to be who i wanted to be for the months that i was gone. I allowed myself to fall into the plunders of being a young person and steep in the mistakes that people make in their lifetimes that i so allowed myself to avoid while i lived in California. I fell in love and am still in love. I got to be as selfish and greedy as i could have wanted to be and never felt vile about it. It was by far the most rewarding experience ever. And now being back here its as if i've hit a standstill on this amazing most ridiculous rollercoaster ride yet it continues to creep forward slowly.
People have asked me "how is it to be back?" and my answers haven't been the happiest person's answers but its difficult to answer to a question where you don't want to hurt the feelings of the asker and really be truthful to what you're feeling at the moment. So how has it been since i've been back? Its been good with a slight sigh and a crooked smile. I miss so much of what was home for me for the past year and i'm still figuring out a way to call the place i used to call home, home again. Its all been a process. I've lost so much having come back but i'm gaining again as i am back here again. Old friends, family, and a lifestyle that once was mine before i left to discover a new one but one that is better than it was before. I'm learning to readjust and its a process that is going to take time but i can already find myself getting comfortable in. Its been an amazing year so far and i can't wait to see what there is for me to discover and live for with whats left of it.